James Kevin Austin

This may be my blog for posting character stories and gaming updates, but today, I am using it to write about a man that was very important to me. He was a friend, a good man, and more importantly, he was my father.

On january 21st, 1995, I was 7 years old. I had only the week before, returned home to my mother's house after spending christmas break with my father. My parents were divorced and my father lived in North Carolina, having only just moved down there 3 months earlier. He had landed a good job and was working hard to establish a new beginning, hoping to move me down there to live with him. Everything was set and my mother and he had co me to an agreement, and even gone to court over the matter. I was excited about the idea of living with my dad and being down there closer to my uncle and cousins, my stuff was mostly packed and i was waiting for him to call my mother and say that everything was set for the move.....however, it was not to be.....because on the day of january 21st 1995, my father died in a horrible car accident on the way home from work. Even at the age of 7, i was smarter than most my age and understood the fact that he was gone from this earth. I blamed my mother for his death, wishing it had been her....and to this day, I still have a part of me that wishes she had been the one to go and not him.
I lost more than my father....I lost my friend, I lost the one person I was supposed to learn from...the one person who was supposed to guide me through my teenage years....the one who was supposed to protect me. I lost the man who was supposed to teach me how to be a man. Even now, 14 years later, I feel a deep, agonizing pain and there is a pla ce in my life that could never be filled. All I can do now is do my best in life and hope that he would be proud of the person i am today. Day in and day out though, I find myself waking with a deep sadness, and I suffer from depression which is something very few know. I am not as happy and carefree as I seem.....I cover my constant pain each day with a smile and a lot of jokes....but that is no more than a wall that I hide behind. I know this is not the most cheerful post I have ever made, and I appologize. I needed an outlet, and this is the only way I can achieve that. Writing helps, but im not the type of person to open up for a conversation about this.

To all of you who still have their fathers, I envy you. Cherish every moment you have left, and please, don't let fights go unresolved, because trust me, you regret it.

So, as I sit here and crack this beer, I will smile and say...

"Here's to you dad...."

Thank you for reading this.......


Matthew James Kevin Austin

(Yes, I have two middle names.....what of it? lol)